Why didn't he want me?

I have always vowed to be open and honest so here’s a vulnerable post:

I just found out my biological father passed away and I have mixed feelings.

I have mixed feelings because I never met him in person, only spoke to him once on the internet when I was in college.

And because of this, I struggled a lot in high school because I had so many unknowns. I struggled with my identity because I wondered:

“Why didn’t he want me?”

“What did I do wrong?”

“Did he love me?”

“Am I loveable?”

And as a result, I sought for love and comfort in people and things I shouldn’t have. I kind of made a mess of things. And I felt empty.

But everything changed when I found my identity in Christ. I began healing and forgiving. This has been a long process.

But I am thankful.

That might sound silly to be thankful for a hurtful situation. But it helps me realize how powerful our God is. He turned sometime heartbreaking into such a blessing. He worked through this mess and blessed me with incredibly people in my life like my grandparents and family.

God took a bad situation and turned it into something good. And for that, my heart is filled with so much thanksgiving. And I think sometimes we forget that He is capable of this, so I just wanted to remind you.

I also wanted to remind you:

Do not place your identity in people or circumstances. People are broken and hurting. They were never meant to fulfill us. Place your identity in the unchanging God.

Chances are, if someone left, it’s a reflection of them, not you.

For example, in my case, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self:

There was nothing wrong with me.

He just was not living the safest lifestyle and had a lot going on and thought I was better off without him. I can’t judge his heart or intentions and I won’t try to. I choose to forgive.

All this to say, I am sharing because I have had some feelings come up and I need to repent because I found myself full of regrets.

Regrets like:

I wish I would have reached out to him and shared the gospel. I wish I would have told him the forgiveness we have in Jesus. And I wish I could have shared with him that I forgave him a long time ago. But I didn’t do any of those things.

So I repent, and now, I am moving forward.

Moving forward with comfort knowing I am forgiven thanks to Christ. Moving forward with my identity in Him.

And moving forward with no regrets, knowing that all I can do is focus on the next soul in front of me.

And I just want to invite you to do the same if you need to.

Let go of your “I wish I would have” thoughts and use those feelings as motivation to make changes in the future.

Those types of thoughts can be so paralyzing, and I refuse to stay in that mindset.

I choose growth, I choose to forgive myself and him. And I choose to move forward and do better next time.

Life is so short, don’t harbor unforgiveness, it breeds bondage and resentment not freedom.

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